Dear Narcissist: Words of Futility

burning-bridge

The following is the last letter sent to a woman whom I believe to be a narcissist. Then There’s Me was the first letter. Other than therapeutic value, these emails are a waste of ink. This has been on my mind as I’ve perused blog posts recently about sincere apologies, narcissism, playing the crazy card, and ending up in a twisted place

Men, this screwed up place is where you end up if you don’t keep in mind the 16 Commandments.  I will write a follow-up post about gas-lighting, as this is something you need to keep an eye out for. For now, know that I am self-aware of the giant beta pussiness involved in complaining about “emotional abuse”.  It is embarrassing to post, but important too, I think. Here is the letter:

Dear D*,

I’m really embarrassed that last night, when I recorded the audio for you, I started my self analysis again out of habit…trying to analyze the situation and communicate all the things I could have done better, YET AGAIN.

Last night, you said, What did you tell me I needed to do to fix it? “

Jesus Christ, D*. Read the email above. How could I have been more clear? And these aren’t the only emails I’ve sent. Plus, we’ve talked about it in audios, phone calls, and in person. How could you act like I haven’t communicated—clearly communicated–what you need to do? You have no room to talk about disrespect when you are dismissive like this.

Above, I spelled out three unresolved issues:

  1. SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION
  2. PROBLEM SOLVING
  3. APOLOGIES

1. re: Sexual Dysfunction. You replied: I don’t know how to resolve this. I am open to suggestions. This is not usually a problem for me

This isn’t usually a problem for you? Bullshit. It was an issue with your previous BFs, and it has been a major issue with us since DAY 1!

More accurately, it is a problem for US, and WE need to figure out how to resolve it. Deflecting it back on me, as if it is my sole responsibility, is not taking responsibly or accountability for your actions.

2. See #1. You repeatedly say, “I don’t know how to resolve this.” Or, the ball’s in your court.” You are not pulling your weight in problem solving AT ALL, yet you pretend I am the one who is not putting forth effort. This deflection is a type of emotional abuse, and I am sick of it. Further, when you say, “I don’t know how to resolve this“, it conveys no acknowledgment of your responsibility.

“I know I screwed this up by ____X,Y,Z_____, and I’ve been wracking my brain trying to think of a solution, but I don’t know what to make it right. Can you help me?” This would be better received Mrs. PR Guru. Then we would be problem solving together instead of having high conflict.

3. You said: It’s hard for me to apologize for Wednesday night when I was told to “get the fuck out.”

That is NOT a sincere apology. This doesn’t even address the issue–it is a piss-poor attempt at deflecting the problem back to me.

If we ever resolve this (which, obviously, 99.9% chance we can’t) I will be glad to revisit the topic of how I am supposed to stand up for myself when YOU have disrespected ME. I’m sure there is a better way than saying, “get the fuck out.” But right now I feel like a fool for being as sweet and respectful as I have been so far. I feel manipulated. I am glad I stood up for myself, and you have said nothing to make me second guess my decision to do so.

LAST NIGHT – As if there wasn’t enough shit on the table already, last night, when discussing apologies, you said, I have, you won’t accept it.

One of the benefits of communicating via email is that I can go back and read the communications to make sure I’m not losing my mind. I am not going to fall for your Jedi Mind Trick (technically called ‘gaslighting’) bullshit. Or, is your view of reality so distorted that you actually believe you apologized? Guess what? You didn’t. Not sincerely, anyway. For you to claim you did is a LIE, and yet another attempt to redirect problems back to me that you should be taking responsibility for.

Similarly, I’ve repeatedly told you that the ***** thing was never fully reconciled in my head. The other night you threw my apology back in my face, wouldn’t let me speak when you were saying FACTUALLY INCORRECT things, and then hung up on me. You recounted the ***** incident as if my apology was an admission that you had ABSOLUTE RIGHTFULNESS in the entire incident. Your memory had twisted facts to believe it was all on me. DISTORTED REALITY IS ANOTHER NARCISSISTIC RED FLAG.

I remind you that at the time you hung up on me, I had already admitted to going overboard with your career comment. I did go overboard, I misread something you wrote, overreacted with horrible audios. That was THAT NIGHT–I didn’t even need time to cool down before expressing regret, apologizing, and admitting you were right and I was wrong. I listened to what you said, and you were right (about that part of it.) So don’t mix up the disrespectful hanging of the phone or gas-lighting, with that incident. One of us is capable of self analysis, admitting when he is wrong, expressing regret (again and again and again), validating your feelings, and doing his best to make amends. So stop throwing out the “WE” word in your emails, as if I haven’t pulled my weight. THAT is disrespectful, D*. A much sicker and crueler kind of disrespect than being called names.

I REFUSE TO LISTEN TO YOU BITCH ABOUT A SINGLE ASPECT OF OUR RELATIONSHIP UNTIL YOU ACKNOWLEDGE MY FEELINGS AND MAKE AMENDS FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE. APOLOGIES WITH A ‘BUT’ AT THE END OF THEM ARE WORTHLESS. YOU ARE MAD BECAUSE I AM EXPOSING YOUR NARCISSISTIC FALSE SELF, AND, IN DEFENSE, YOU ARE DEFLECTING YOUR FALSE SELF BACK TO ME.

I’m too smart for that bullshit, D*.

The sad thing is, your mental state is not a deal-breaker for me. I can live with the lack of empathy and the moody bitchiness. Why doesn’t that scare me? Because I have my own fucked up issues. I think it would be great if we could understand each other’s issues and work together as a couple to manage them in a mutually supportive way.

But I do not like liars and hypocrites. I will not tolerate it. I have been very patient with you, and now my patience has run out. You don’t seem to understand this. If you did, you would never say ridiculous shit like, “I have, you won’t accept it.” That is a level of cra-cra I won’t accept.

What can you do to fix us? I gave you one last chance and you pissed all over it, complaining about being disrespected as your urine splashed on the olive branch. But, despite all this, I still love you. I wouldn’t take the time to keep communicating with you if I didn’t love you. I can think of many things you can do to make amends. I could spell them out here, but I won’t. I’ve pulled my weight in making this right. It is time for you to pull yours.

You love the fact I’m addicted to you too. You love that cutting off contact with you hurts me more than it hurts you. You know that cutting me off from you is the most painful thing imaginable–I am that obsessed with you. On some level, you like hurting me. And I like being hurt, on some fucked up level. That is why this is so twisted. It is a sick game. I hope you have enough depth in you to see this. But that is just a dream, I suppose.

Anyway, it is up to you to fix this. You can tell yourself that because I have cut off communication there is nothing you can do. That is a lie.

I am sorry that I have to filter your emails. I desperately want to stay connected to you. But gaslighting is a very serious form of emotional abuse–way more serious than being called names–and you have given me no choice. It isn’t about you not contacting me because you might do something crazy. It is about the fact that, when I am addicted to you, and yet you lie, deflect, and gaslight, it is more hurtful than you can imagine. This is the only way I have to protect myself. If there were any other way to defend against it I would–hell, I’ve already tried every other option to no avail, so I have no choice.

You mock me for diagnosing you with a psychological disorder. First, saying you are a narcissist is not the same as saying you have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. But it would not surprise me if you do have NPD. The only way to know is to see a counselor. So, if you think what I say is ridiculous, I challenge you to prove me wrong. Fix this mess like a problem solving individual would, and you will have proved me wrong. Or, go see a counselor and have a professional tell me I’m wrong. And, yes, I have an ulterior motive for encouraging you to see a therapist. I think s/he would be able to communicate things to you that I’ve been unable to, despite my best attempts. This might make it possible for us to be less dysfunctional.

Anyway, I know you won’t do that. Bottom line is that you fucked us up, D*. You ruined us. That is a fact. I will always hold a grudge for that. But I will always love you too.

You always said you act more like a guy than a girl. You are the only woman I’ve ever met who, literally, needs an ass whipping. I wasn’t joking when I said that last night. I’m sure you will cry victim when you get what you’ve asked for too. I feel sorry for that guy, whoever he is, because I’m sure you will make him pay by playing the victim card. Ironically, your supporters will tell that man that he should have walked away. Yet you mock me for doing exactly that now, as I am cutting off contact and walking away.

I’m going to protect myself, and make damn sure I’m not the one who has his life ruined. This is another reason why I’m retreating until you do something substantial to stop the spiral of dysfunction, prove to me you understand what you’ve done, and prove that you’ve taken concrete steps to make amends.

I love you, bitch.

~ Smooth

NOTE: After pressing ‘send’, I blocked her from all social networking, texts, and emails. That seems immature and fucked up, but burning the bridge is the only option with a narcissist. So says Shrink4Men and other experts. 

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24 thoughts on “Dear Narcissist: Words of Futility

  1. After pressing ‘send’, I blocked her from all social networking, texts, and emails.

    Absolutely the right thing to do. Actually, It would have been the right thing to do before pressing “send.” In fact, it would have been the right thing to do instead of pressing send.

    I obviously have no clue as to the circumstances or events, and I don’t need to. If whatever was happening in the relationship caused enough angst that you wrote this and the “Then There’s Me” letters, it’s simply not worth it.

    I learned long ago that no woman is worth that level of manipulation and pain. I learned to nip such behavior in the bud with a timely “stop acting like that, or you know where the door is.” The trick is you have to mean it and follow through if necessary. If you hesitate, you’re lost…

      • It can be cathartic to get it all out, thought. My brother-in-law used to do this, send long emails detailing the last argument he had with my sister to her. It never worked and really only made things worse. I finally convinced him that if he really had to express himself like this, to vent to me rather than her. So far it’s worked pretty well.

  2. Bravo. Good on you, sir.
    I’ve not yet read your other related posts, but if even half of what you write here is true, there was probably no saving this relationship. (Of course, there’s no reason to doubt it’s all true.) My biological father is actually diagnosed with NPD and bipolar…thank the Gods it didn’t cross to me. Dealing with someone who engages in gaslighting, constant lying, distorted versions of reality, and attempting to guilt you into staying near them even after they’ve literally thrown glasses and lamps at you is not worth it.

    Feel free to still love them, but realize they are toxic to your well-being, and either cut off or severely limit your interactions with them.

  3. Pingback: Smooth’s Alpha Interviews Beta | Smooth ReEntry

  4. My experience has always been attacking the other person doesn’t really make you feel any better. The anger only consumes you and giving into it makes it worse.

    Don’t lose who you are in the moment. What if one of the girls you date in the future sits down and reads this? Also, the more you are angry at her the longer she’ll keep a hold on you.

    • 1. I have a right to be angry. I have a right to express how I feel. I am not going to apologize for that.
      2. How did I ‘attack’ the other person? Stating my side of the argument is not an attack. That is communication, and that is supposedly what women want. Gaslighting is unacceptable. Pretending words are more harmful than actions is unacceptable. I communicated this clearly. Standing up for myself is not the same as an attack.
      3. If a girl I date in the future reads this, I hope she sees a man that knows how to stand up for himself and demands the same respect he gives.
      4. I said what I had to say, and it increased my confidence that I’m doing the right thing by burning the bridge. Therefore, she does not have a hold on me.

      But I genuinely appreciate your comment.. When I started this blog I targeted more advice to women who date. It has evolved I guess, so now I have more male commentators than female. I like having a healthy mix. Thanks again. 🙂

      • If a girl you date in the future reads this, she will see a petulant, vengeful, controlling, narcissistic man-child, and she rightly run away, fast.

      • Anon,

        Hopefully in the future, Smooth will date a woman not a “girl” like the one he talks about here. I don’t know who you are, and I certainly can’t speak for Smooth, but were you commenting on my blog like this I’d say you were just here to troll.

        First, Smooth doesn’t mention his ex by name, or say where she lives, where she works, etc. How is it “humiliating” her when nobody but Smooth could even point her out in a crowd?
        Is she going to randomly search through thousands of manosphere blogs just to find one that sounds like it might be about her?

        Secondly, writing posts about bad experiences you’ve had can be very therapeutic. It’s a balm one can put on a wound, and having others support you and give you advice helps you retain feelings of worth…something that is needed for proper recovery. That Smooth has used his own tiny corner of the internet to talk about his issues shouldn’t bother anyone.

        Thirdly, if you go back and read *your* comments, you’ll see that you’re attempting to shame a grown man into not expressing his feelings…and attempting to convince him that he is projecting. Personally, I’m always extremely wary of people who believe they can tell what (if any) disorder someone has just from reading a few paragraphs online. Actual psychologists will tell you it’s quite difficult to make any diagnosis based on written word alone. Hence the need for actually coming into their office so they can ask further questions and observe the patient’s body language/inflections.

        P.S. Why has it taken you 6 comments to essentially say “shame on you”?

  5. My 2c:

    Man, what a waste of time and energy! The way to dump someone is to dump them.

    “>After pressing ‘send’, I blocked her from all social networking, texts, and emails.
    Absolutely the right thing to do.”

    No, the right thing to do is to not press “send”.

    “You always said you act more like a guy than a girl. You are the only woman I’ve ever met who, literally, needs an ass whipping.”

    You goddamn fool. *Never* make threats. *Never*. Not even things that might be construed as threats. Stop trying to help this person, to make her see. It’s *over*. You owe her *nothing*.

    “I’m going to protect myself, and make damn sure I’m not the one who has his life ruined. This is another reason why I’m retreating until you do something substantial to stop the spiral of dysfunction, prove to me you understand what you’ve done, and prove that you’ve taken concrete steps to make amends.”

    Christ. *Move on*! Do you seriously imagine that she wasn’t banging some other dude within three days of your breakup? If she is the least bit attractive, there’s a queue of guys outside her door, and she’s already picked one of ’em. Get realistic. And don’t *tell* her you are going to protect yourself. Do it. Continuing to communicate to this person is not the way to go about it.

    • As I said here, I agree with much of what you said. But I also have no regrets about sending this.

      You goddamn fool. *Never* make threats. *Never*. Not even things that might be construed as threats.

      This is the best point you made. I’m surprised you are the first one to say it. I briefly addressed in the ‘Beware the Trends’ section of this post.

      I could explain why what I said is true–especially the part about me walking away in order to make damn sure I’m not the guy who gets White Blackmailed. And I will explain if anyone is curious about the rational. However, even though what I said is NOT a threat, I have to agree that men should avoid saying anything that should even be construed as a threat. Which this easily could.

      All the more reason for me to stay away. Which I’ve done and am doing. There has been no further communication. The only thing that remains to be seen is if she goes stalker. I doubt she will since she is a narcissist.

      • Thankfully, you’re probably correct. Stalkers can get dangerous very quickly. Never had one myself, but a coworker from my first job did and she eventually had to call the police. It’s bad when someone who’s just a customer shows up waiting for you in your driveway…

        Still, I’d recommend being safe and cautious with what you share on any social media. Since she’s got strong narcissistic tendencies, don’t put on Facebook/Twitter when you’ll be at a party, on vacation, or working late. She may break into your house because “she deserves X” from your collections. It’s happened before.

        Be well, man.

      • Stop talking. Stop writing about her. Stop accusing her of things you are doing and being yourself (narcissism, controlling, stalking).

        Just stop.

  6. You are a narcissist yourself, Smooth. To a T. It is really impossible to say whether anything you write about D is even remotely accurate or just plain projection on your part.

    Your relationship with her, and probably with your ex and any other significant woman in your life, is a story of frustrated narcissistic entitlement — on YOUR part.

    If I thought you could, I’d recommend you re-read what you wrote here referencing it back to yourself, as if you were holding a mirror. Because what you’ve written reflects every aspect of your own narcissistic dysfunction.

    Best thing for you to do now would be to stop talking about her and yourself in public, because you’re just digging a deeper hole. Find a therapist instead, one specializing in NPD preferably, but not necessarily.

  7. “One of us is capable of self analysis, admitting when he is wrong, expressing regret (again and again and again), validating your feelings, and doing his best to make amends.”

    And that person is definitely not you.

    Again, I suspect — I hope — that years from now you’ll see how everything you’ve written here describes you and your own dysfunction. She, from the little you’ve managed to convey about her in your barrage of accusations, comes across quite mature and reasonable, at least in comparison with you.

    You are not in a good spot to process what’s happened. Find a therapist, please.

    • As I said in the preface, playing the crazy card means someone else will almost surely point the crazy finger back. Your responses were anticipated. Thank you, random internet person.

      Regarding self analysis, I direct you to the follow-up post, “Smooth’s Alpha interviews Beta”, in which I theorize much of the same. Sorry for stealing your thunder.

  8. Ah! The feminine imperative raises its ugly head in an unsurprisingly anonymous comment.

    Yeah, Smooth, just STOP. You should know that any criticism of any woman will not be tolerated! You have no right to speak ill of any woman ever, so just stop.

    I actually laughed at “anon’s” rabid ranting. I’m surprised that she didn’t make a crack about penis size.

    But, fortunately, such spittle-flecked ravings can be safely ignored for the rhetorical dribbles they are…

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