Then There’s Me

63dae3be46b984a51c7b713958bb61f3Dear D,

I do love you.  Generally, we’re on the same wavelength and communicate well. We go together as a couple; I feel an overwhelming sense of pride when you are by my side. Then there is the chemistry–it makes my head spin. I obsess about you all the time. I have no control over it. And, you are simply gorgeous.

But we are dysfunctional in the sex department. Now we have too much baggage to reconcile. We’re in relationship hell, so even if you do change, I’d feel you were doing it out of obligation and not desire, which completely ruins the chemistry. So we’re fucked (the Catch-22 kind of fucked).

I’ve admitted my insecurities are a factor in all this. They are what they are. I disclosed them so that you might understand where I’m coming from. But I don’t think you understand.

If your goal was to reconcile with me, repeating the usual pattern of ruining a perfect night by rejecting me wasn’t the smart thing to do. I don’t know what I’ve done with words or with actions that made you believe my response to tonight’s rejection would be anything but negative. Did you take my kindness for weakness or something?

I’ve read books on this stuff. Rejection piles up. Our fight started 8 days ago because, after that wonderful date, you said, “I’m not feeling it” at bedtime. You didn’t want to have sex then, and it pissed me off. The best way to reconcile was not to repeat the exact same thing again last night.

Last night called for makeup sex. But you don’t like feeling obligated to have sex. That’s the buzz killing part about it for you: that you felt obligated.

Of course, I’ve figured this out on my own, since you haven’t communicated with me. Instead, you’ve hurled accusations: everything has to be on my terms, I’m autistic, that I make everything about sex. Yet at the same time you say that a problem with your previous relationship was that the man didn’t initiate sex enough. But when this man initiates sex, he’s declared an asshole.

This man obviously cares for you and has done all he can to prove it. Apparently the right man for you should take you out to dinner on date night and have no expectation of hanky panky afterwards. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. He should be satisfied with having the privilege of your company for the evening, and that is all he should expect.

The Right Man For You

It’s apparently up the man to magically know when you’re in the mood and when you aren’t. He’s supposed to accept that your mood can change on a dime. And he’s supposed to think in the moment and not worry about future considerations, such as the fact that he won’t get to see you again for several days, if not weeks.

The man should sleep in a separate bed when you’re tired and need a good night’s rest. When you’re sentimental, he should sleep in the same bed and cuddle, but not think about sex while he holds the gorgeous woman in his arms, feels her soft skin, and takes in her mesmerizing scent. If you’re horny, he should pleasure you.

When he brings coffee to your bedside in the morning (one cream, one Splenda), you will decide whether you were tired, sentimental, or horny the night before, and inform the man whether he acted satisfactorily.

If you are feeling generous, you might indulge him with morning sex. Do not kiss because you haven’t brushed your teeth. The anus and the urethra are, as always, off limits. Oral sex is off limits too, since a man once came in your mouth without warning, and you’ve decided all men are the same. You are German, and you like it hard and rough. The man must deliver without breaking a sweat, for you do not like icky perspiration.

The man is responsible for getting all towels, lubricants, and accessories that might be needed while you lie in bed and act annoyed that these things didn’t magically appear on their own.

He should have porn available if you are in the mood, but not suggest it if you aren’t in the mood. And he is supposed to know this by ESP. If he asks at the wrong time, you will bite off his head.

If you are in the mood to have an orgasm, he should hold out. If you aren’t in the mood to have an orgasm, he should climax fast to get it over with. This cannot be discussed.

With the help of pills, a shortened refractory period gives you the option to climax regardless of whether he goes first. Even if you are German. But the pills shouldn’t be taken unless the man knows he’s going to have sex. Otherwise, appearing in public becomes impractical. Therefore, advanced planning is required. But advanced planning makes you feel obligated and is not romantic. Therefore, the man is responsible achieving post-pill long lasting performance without the aid of a pill. How he achieves this mythical performance, found only in E.L. James books, is no concern of yours.

The man is responsible for driving you to the store for maxi-pads.

The man should also accept that you wear sexy and provocative clothes. He’s supposed to notice and admire how good you look, but if he makes a move at the wrong time, he will be pronounced a sex obsessed asshole. If he doesn’t make a move, then something is wrong with him because he doesn’t pay you enough attention.

If he pays too much attention, then all he cares about is physical attraction. But if he points out that he chose you over other women that are equally as attractive, including models (literally), then he is an asshole for that too– he shouldn’t talk about other women. At all.

He obviously respects your mind, as evidenced by the fact that he writes volumes of long emails and talks your ear off. It should be self-evident that your keen mind this is what separates you from the models. But he annoys the shit out of you if he talks too much. Yet if he talks too little then he doesn’t respect your mind.

He also cares for you and shows it every way he can: by driving out of town to visit, mowing your grass, washing dishes, dropping commode seats, 24/7 technical support, nurse, chauffeur, cook, bartender, dog trainer, pest control, shit shoveler, and general bitch. The man should understand that you are entitled to all these things, and expect no gratitude in return. Even when he puts your needs above his children’s.

It should also be noted that the perfect man should just “get it“, and intuitively understand these things without the need for discussion. Analyzing and discussing is a buzzkill.

But how does a man pick up on these things when the woman is “cold”, does not express emotions, and does not communicate deep thoughts with words? That is not your problem. That is his problem. He needs to figure it out while you focus on shopping.

If the man tries too hard in walking the tightrope and balancing all these things, then he might become stressed. This is unsatisfactory, for the man must remain light hearted and laugh. He is responsible for making you laugh too.

The man must stop dating other women by ceasing all contact with other women. The woman must stop dating other men by reclassifying such dates as ‘hanging out’. There will be no discussion of this position.

The man must check his baggage at the door and not let it interfere with your relationship. He must realize that you have had bad experiences with men like that, and will not tolerate it again.

The hypocrisy of the above statement must never be uttered.

The man must never make you cry. When you do cry, it is always the man’s fault.

The man must not express emotions. If he does, it is never the woman’s fault.

This position should never be referred to as a ‘double standard’. Ever. This is an equal partnership where the woman gets to blame the man for consequences of her actions, and the man is expected to be happy with everything. Likewise, it is the lady’s privilege to change her mind. The man, however, is only as good as his word.

He shall never call you a bitch, not matter how spiteful or unpleasant you are to be around.

He shall never try to win an argument by presenting objective facts, as everyone is entitled to their own beliefs.

He must respect your enlightened view of the world, and how you accept all other cultures and beliefs, even if said beliefs are mutually exclusive.

He will be excluded if he does not support your decision to include all beliefs.

He must never ask, “What’s in it for me?” If he does, it proves he is a self-centered asshole. The woman is not responsible for the man’s happiness. Being blessed with the privilege of making her happy is all the happiness the man should need. This is what Walt Disney has taught her since birth, so it must be true. If the man factors his needs into the equation, then something is obviously wrong with him.

Then There’s Me….

Experts say that sex is the ultimate expression of love. It is the way to feel bonded and communicate how you feel. It is the way to show your partner how much you care, to express all these overwhelming emotions that can’t be put into words. In my case, it is the drug that gives me relief from the constant obsession of thinking about you. For a brief moment in time our souls become one–that is the drug that fueled me when we are apart. It made me excited about how great the future could be. I’m not talking about quickies here: I’m talking about the magical moments like when I held you in my arms in your bathtub. Those magical moments are intoxicating. I yearn for more them.

But the fact that I keep trying to build more memories like that with you makes me an asshole. So D, I wish you luck in your search. I hope you find a man that gets you, and can work with you to win writing contests and lets you take the credit. I hope he gets your smartass sense of humor. I hope he finds you sexy as hell, yet only acts on it at exactly the right moments.  I hope he bends to your stubbornness, but knows how to pick his battles and stand up for himself too. I hope he respects your witty personality, but is deaf to the slicing cuts from your wicked tongue. And I hope he understands that he is the one that is complicated…not you. It’s never you.

Again, good luck finding that guy. I’m not him.

~ Smooth

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38 thoughts on “Then There’s Me

  1. That was surreal. An amazing piece. I’ve never felt the sensation of having thoughts and experiences, words, being pulled out of my soul like that. I really admire that you were able to reach all of those places within yourself. I’m thankful that you were helping me reach mine, letter by letter. Thank you so much.

    • Thanks LostSailor! I respectfully disagree. With this one, I swallowed the blue pill and spent too much time plugged in to the Matrix. I should have cut my losses sooner. The warning signs were there. But so were the fantastic tits.

  2. This is great. Personal yet applicable to soooooo many men and women.

    “the ultimate expression of love” in my view, is sex, not words.

    “I wish you luck in your search. I hope you find a man that gets you” – not sure if you’re being ironic, but if you reached this stage, then congratulations. Deep inside, at least after the first stages of a breakup, Many men don’t feel like this, they know they “should”, but they don’t. They don’t wish them to be happy. It may come later, with time, but it’s not like the in the movies.

    • “I wish you luck in your search. I hope you find a man that gets you.”

      Hell no, I don’t feel like that. That’s pure, bitter, jaded, sarcasm. The take away is supposed to be that the right man for her doesn’t exists, because delivering all her unrealistic, conflicting demands is impossible. The take away was supposed to be, “good luck finding something better, babe.”

      This does apply to soooo many women. That’s why I wrote it.

      As for men, we have our own issues that are equally as serious, but much less complicated.

  3. Please God tell me this is fiction and that there really are NOT women like this in the world? If so, I’m glad I’m not a man, or a lesbian. Jesus!

    My heart goes out to you.

    How did she respond when you sent this to her?

    I think I am going to extend my moratorium on dating. I have been divorced for 2 years and 9 months: Zero dates. Zero desire.

    • There most certainly are women like that. If it wasn’t common I wouldn’t have bothered to post. Frankly, I wouldn’t have bothered to write it if I wasn’t planning to post here too. In her defense, all humans have inconsistencies.

      I appreciate you reading the post! I thought I’d lost all my old readers. I kicked one woman out of my house because she said I was ‘abusing’ the dog for not letting him on the furniture. I wonder how you’d feel if I wrote that story? 😉

      • I have to agree — all humans have inconsistencies. Well said my friend. Well said.

        I think there are a lot of women out there who give women like a bad rap. Just sayin’.

        No you haven’t lost me but I will say, you stopped appearing in my reader. You and a few other bloggers I follow. One evening I realized, where the hell is that dude who calls himself Smooth Rentry? So I nav’d on over to your blog and voila! Here I am commenting. 🙂

        Well, I’m a hard marker, people are either in or out with me when it pertains to animal care. Personally, I feel animals rate above humans.

        I allow my pets to run amok — they own the house and allow me to live there and pay the bills. I honestly don’t care if my pets are on the furniture but hey, that’s how I roll. Provided you are not abusing/beating/torturing/starving the dog, I’m cool with it – sort of. 😉

        My goal is to one day adopt a Great Pyrenees from the Great Pyrenees Rescue in Massachusetts (where I reside). Those dogs are massive and he (or she) can have free run of the house.

  4. Pingback: Dear Narcissist: Words of Futility | Smooth ReEntry

  5. Pingback: The Frustration of Expressing Masculine Emotions | The Private Man

  6. Amazing. Simply amazing. Never before have I read so plainly about a woman who had so frickin much…and yet it still wasn’t good enough. The huge amount of particularities involved in her idea of what sex is freaked me out, honestly. In my mind sex = a show of love. It is the most vulnerable you can be while asking your partner to do the same. It is the ultimate expression of acceptance, regardless of what form it takes.

    http://tarnishedsophia.wordpress.com/2013/08/05/what-is-sex/

    To read of someone who treats this gift of sexual intimacy as she does makes me nauseous.

  7. This is one of the best relationship posts I have ever read. And I’ve read a lot of them from all different angles. Well done. Very well done.

    Oddly I find myself in the exact opposite situation. Great sex but iffy chemistry. Many of the issues are the same though. I alternated between cringing and crying as I read. Like I could feel each conversation you had with her. Or didn’t have. As well as the frustration and angst.

    The first comment nailed it – “words pulled out of my soul”.

    It’s a myth that all women are naturally good at relationships and all men are not. I actually have a hard time, as you did, finding one who has even adequate skills. More men need to step up and be proud that they aren’t emotional neanderthals and demand a higher level of relationship performance from their partners. It’s a skill and some of us are damn good at it.

    Again, well said. Excellent post.

    • I’m very humbled by the comments I’ve gotten on this. A great writer once said that is not hard to write, you merely need to open a vein and let it flow on to the paper. Perhaps there is truth in what he said.

      It’s a myth that all women are naturally good at relationships and all men are not.

      So true!

  8. … And this is why I advocate Going Your Own Way.

    Too many women today believe they’re Disney Princesses, and that they deserve someone who is Magically Perfect, magically able to intuit her flittering from mood to mood, and ever-capable to Do The Right Thing according to her terms – even if she stated her desire for the opposite of what she wants now, fifteen seconds ago. All she needs to bring to the table is her feminine charm, especially if she has some.

    The best thing you can do for yourself – your health, your sanity, your well-being – is to recognize the double-bind and punch out before you’re truly stuck in it. It hurts to go, but it’ll hurt worse if you stay. The Japanese have a word for it: Sayonara.

      • MGTOW isn’t an association. It’s a choice men come to on their own either by chance or through becoming redpill aware about the feminine imperative and how the gynocentric society has cultivated him to always be subservient to the needs of women over his own desires.

        MGTOW is a concept whereby men are freed (or relinquish) any and all responsibility to placating the needs/wants/whims of any woman because society dictates it should be so. They live only for themselves. Work only the jobs they want to without pressure to ‘achieve’ or build wealth (unless wealth is what you desire). No pressure to marry or man up because society says you need to grow up, settle down, start a family and slave away as a cog in the system, as both producer/consumer.

        You only produce what you want to produce. You only consume what you want to consume.

        You cannot be shamed into altering your behavior. You simply do not care about the opinions of the others still caught up in the gynocentric system.

        MGTOW doesn’t mean you shun or ignore women or eschew sex. It simply means you dictate all aspects of it on your own terms and they are free to stay or leave based only on their desire to be with you. Relationships without the noose, without the gun to the head, without the divorce rape.

        You are free to put in the effort to become rich, successful, a CEO of a fortune 500, or to sit and enjoy your Xbox all day, or to drive around the country on your harley for a month uninterrupted.

        The world is your oyster. You live your one life for you, yourself – and the world can burn. You owe it nothing. MGTOW is a reaction to a system that basically told men they are irrelevant but that they must still produce and sacrifice for the system. The men stood up, said no, and went their own way…

        to let the system either implode or self correct in time.

        While you get to enjoy the one life you have free from the shackles of indentured servitude and obligation to those who took it for granted.

      • ‘Gynocentric’. Man—I’m having a hard time focusing on everything else because that word is so wonderful.

        I’m definitely spending time thinking about being the man I want to be rather than the man I was supposed to be. I appreciate the head’s up, M3.

      • Wholeheartedly agree with everything M3 and Rick said. MGTOW might be for you, it’s definitely worth checking out. Were I born as a man, I’d certainly be one myself.

        As it is, I support MGTOWs 100% and cover a lot of topics in regards to MGTOWs on my blog. Numerous men, including M3, have been kind enough to take my survey and comment. It’s truly a wealth of information from guys who’s stories echo your own. Check it out here, if you’d like;

        http://tarnishedsophia.wordpress.com/category/mgtow/

        I don’t know any MGTOW podcasts, but some valuable websites are:

        http://www.the-niceguy.com

        http://www.goingyourownway.com

        http://www.mgtow.com

        http://www.mgtowhistory.com

        My favorite youtubers are:
        Barbarossaaa
        Stardusk
        Bachelor Not Looking
        Vention1Mgtow
        SandmanMgtow
        The Oakshard

        Hope this helps!

      • Not at all, dear sir. I try to point most of my unmarried friends and customers to MGTOW sites. It’s too dangerous for men to marry or even cohabitate nowadays…Hence why I’d never try to wed/live with my lover. I wouldn’t do anything, but being handed a “loaded gun” by the government makes for an unequal relationship which is distasteful to say the least.

  9. Reblogged this on A Northern Observer and commented:
    This author wrote a brilliant piece about his relationship with a woman that had unrealistic expectation of him, while expecting every consideration in return.

    Sadly, I’ve run into women like this myself, which is why I’m re-blogging it here.

    Kudos to “The Private Man” for posting a link to this blog. His blog post on the article is here: http://theprivateman.wordpress.com/2014/09/30/the-frustration-of-expressing-masculine-emotions/

  10. This is a self-pitying, passive-aggressive way to get back at your GF — and somewhere “deep down” you know it, that’s why you had (quite correctly) doubts whether to post it or not.

    Shoulda kept it private, IMO. Some things are not meant for public consumption; but the fact that you chose to make it public further proves your frustrated sense of entitlement, self-pity, and need to punish her for not being who you’d like her to be.

    You are not ready for mature relationships yet, as you are rather immature yourself. You need to take time to work on yourself *in private,* without this exhibitionist oversharing of your messy emotional life with others online, as it is obvious they do not give you helpful advice, only tell you what you want to hear.

    I believe you may find the right relationship when the time is right — but it’ll be right only when (and if) you lose or at least lessen your egocentrism.

    P.S. Writing long e-mails and talking one’s head off is not a sign of appreciation of one’s “keen mind.” That egocentrism of yours is so innocent in its unawareness… But its other expressions border on abuse (no, calling her a bitch is never acceptable — Basic Human Interactions 101; also making our partners cry and wanting to “win” in discussions no matter what are shitty behaviors best to be avoided).

    And yes, you are sex obsessed and so far incapable of love. (BTW, urethra…? Seriously?) Your attachment to her was superficial and skin- and appearance-deep, but you confused it with love. It happens quite often, you’re not alone in it, if that’s any consolation.

    Hope you take some time to critically self-reflect for a while before seeking another relationship. Good luck.

  11. P.P.S. I should congratulate you on the good choice of the title for this post, though. Your obvious intent was to tell her off (and humiliate her, yes) by listing all her “negative” qualities at length, while ever-so-modestly trying to underscore your positive ones in between scathing descriptions of her “unreasonable” behaviors. You also reserved that last, short part to further highlight your unusual reasonableness and modesty, titling it, ever-so-humbly, “Then, there”s me,” to better contrast your virtuousness with her vices.
    .
    But inadvertently you ended up writing the whole post pretty much exclusively about yourself — thus the title is more appropriate than you realize. Yes, this post tells us plenty about you — it is all about you, really — and not much, if anything, about her, despite your intentions.

    When you re-read it years from now (no longer blogging about your private life, one hopes), you will see what I’m talking about. Today, you are not able yet.

    • Interesting comments, random internet person. There is so much truth in what you write that it is hard to argue. Allow me to reply to a few finer points:

      > “Messy exhibitionist” is a common trait amongst bloggers. I’m guilty as charged. However, since this blog is written under the pen name ‘Smooth’, it has been kept in private.

      > I’m also guilty of having a messy emotional life. Feel free to peruse the blog if you’d like to see the evolution of it.

      > I’m sure I was in the infatuation phase, used the ‘L word’ too soon, and have publicly called myself a dumbass for doing so. There were amazing aspects of her. Disturbingly, I was powerless to control myself.

      > When this blog started, many of my posts offered dating advice to women from a man’s perspective. I felt there was a need for it because so much dating advice from the female ‘experts’ is utter nonsense. Over time the blog is most definitely became egocentric. “What’s in it for me?” is a question I will ask myself for the rest of my life. Like many other men, I’m tired of being taken for granted.

      > Regarding the use of bitch, there is a post of a similar name.

      I could objectively summarize the relevant history of the relationship that lead up to this letter, including recounting her side. But who would want to read it? It makes for better reading to let those who’ve been in similar positions to fill in the blanks on their own. Apparently, this is what you’ve done, Anon. Which is why this post struck a nerve with you. And is why thou doth protest too much.

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