I do love you. Generally, we’re on the same wavelength and communicate well. We go together as a couple; I feel an overwhelming sense of pride when you are by my side. Then there is the chemistry–it makes my head spin. I obsess about you all the time. I have no control over it. And, you are simply gorgeous.
But we are dysfunctional in the sex department. Now we have too much baggage to reconcile. We’re in relationship hell, so even if you do change, I’d feel you were doing it out of obligation and not desire, which completely ruins the chemistry. So we’re fucked (the Catch-22 kind of fucked).
I’ve admitted my insecurities are a factor in all this. They are what they are. I disclosed them so that you might understand where I’m coming from. But I don’t think you understand.
If your goal was to reconcile with me, repeating the usual pattern of ruining a perfect night by rejecting me wasn’t the smart thing to do. I don’t know what I’ve done with words or with actions that made you believe my response to tonight’s rejection would be anything but negative. Did you take my kindness for weakness or something?
I’ve read books on this stuff. Rejection piles up. Our fight started 8 days ago because, after that wonderful date, you said, “I’m not feeling it” at bedtime. You didn’t want to have sex then, and it pissed me off. The best way to reconcile was not to repeat the exact same thing again last night.
Last night called for makeup sex. But you don’t like feeling obligated to have sex. That’s the buzz killing part about it for you: that you felt obligated.
Of course, I’ve figured this out on my own, since you haven’t communicated with me. Instead, you’ve hurled accusations: everything has to be on my terms, I’m autistic, that I make everything about sex. Yet at the same time you say that a problem with your previous relationship was that the man didn’t initiate sex enough. But when this man initiates sex, he’s declared an asshole.
This man obviously cares for you and has done all he can to prove it. Apparently the right man for you should take you out to dinner on date night and have no expectation of hanky panky afterwards. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. He should be satisfied with having the privilege of your company for the evening, and that is all he should expect.
The Right Man For You
It’s apparently up the man to magically know when you’re in the mood and when you aren’t. He’s supposed to accept that your mood can change on a dime. And he’s supposed to think in the moment and not worry about future considerations, such as the fact that he won’t get to see you again for several days, if not weeks.
The man should sleep in a separate bed when you’re tired and need a good night’s rest. When you’re sentimental, he should sleep in the same bed and cuddle, but not think about sex while he holds the gorgeous woman in his arms, feels her soft skin, and takes in her mesmerizing scent. If you’re horny, he should pleasure you.
When he brings coffee to your bedside in the morning (one cream, one Splenda), you will decide whether you were tired, sentimental, or horny the night before, and inform the man whether he acted satisfactorily.
If you are feeling generous, you might indulge him with morning sex. Do not kiss because you haven’t brushed your teeth. The anus and the urethra are, as always, off limits. Oral sex is off limits too, since a man once came in your mouth without warning, and you’ve decided all men are the same. You are German, and you like it hard and rough. The man must deliver without breaking a sweat, for you do not like icky perspiration.
The man is responsible for getting all towels, lubricants, and accessories that might be needed while you lie in bed and act annoyed that these things didn’t magically appear on their own.
He should have porn available if you are in the mood, but not suggest it if you aren’t in the mood. And he is supposed to know this by ESP. If he asks at the wrong time, you will bite off his head.
If you are in the mood to have an orgasm, he should hold out. If you aren’t in the mood to have an orgasm, he should climax fast to get it over with. This cannot be discussed.
With the help of pills, a shortened refractory period gives you the option to climax regardless of whether he goes first. Even if you are German. But the pills shouldn’t be taken unless the man knows he’s going to have sex. Otherwise, appearing in public becomes impractical. Therefore, advanced planning is required. But advanced planning makes you feel obligated and is not romantic. Therefore, the man is responsible achieving post-pill long lasting performance without the aid of a pill. How he achieves this mythical performance, found only in E.L. James books, is no concern of yours.
The man is responsible for driving you to the store for maxi-pads.
The man should also accept that you wear sexy and provocative clothes. He’s supposed to notice and admire how good you look, but if he makes a move at the wrong time, he will be pronounced a sex obsessed asshole. If he doesn’t make a move, then something is wrong with him because he doesn’t pay you enough attention.
If he pays too much attention, then all he cares about is physical attraction. But if he points out that he chose you over other women that are equally as attractive, including models (literally), then he is an asshole for that too– he shouldn’t talk about other women. At all.
He obviously respects your mind, as evidenced by the fact that he writes volumes of long emails and talks your ear off. It should be self-evident that your keen mind this is what separates you from the models. But he annoys the shit out of you if he talks too much. Yet if he talks too little then he doesn’t respect your mind.
He also cares for you and shows it every way he can: by driving out of town to visit, mowing your grass, washing dishes, dropping commode seats, 24/7 technical support, nurse, chauffeur, cook, bartender, dog trainer, pest control, shit shoveler, and general bitch. The man should understand that you are entitled to all these things, and expect no gratitude in return. Even when he puts your needs above his children’s.
It should also be noted that the perfect man should just “get it“, and intuitively understand these things without the need for discussion. Analyzing and discussing is a buzzkill.
But how does a man pick up on these things when the woman is “cold”, does not express emotions, and does not communicate deep thoughts with words? That is not your problem. That is his problem. He needs to figure it out while you focus on shopping.
If the man tries too hard in walking the tightrope and balancing all these things, then he might become stressed. This is unsatisfactory, for the man must remain light hearted and laugh. He is responsible for making you laugh too.
The man must stop dating other women by ceasing all contact with other women. The woman must stop dating other men by reclassifying such dates as ‘hanging out’. There will be no discussion of this position.
The man must check his baggage at the door and not let it interfere with your relationship. He must realize that you have had bad experiences with men like that, and will not tolerate it again.
The hypocrisy of the above statement must never be uttered.
The man must never make you cry. When you do cry, it is always the man’s fault.
The man must not express emotions. If he does, it is never the woman’s fault.
This position should never be referred to as a ‘double standard’. Ever. This is an equal partnership where the woman gets to blame the man for consequences of her actions, and the man is expected to be happy with everything. Likewise, it is the lady’s privilege to change her mind. The man, however, is only as good as his word.
He shall never call you a bitch, not matter how spiteful or unpleasant you are to be around.
He shall never try to win an argument by presenting objective facts, as everyone is entitled to their own beliefs.
He must respect your enlightened view of the world, and how you accept all other cultures and beliefs, even if said beliefs are mutually exclusive.
He will be excluded if he does not support your decision to include all beliefs.
He must never ask, “What’s in it for me?” If he does, it proves he is a self-centered asshole. The woman is not responsible for the man’s happiness. Being blessed with the privilege of making her happy is all the happiness the man should need. This is what Walt Disney has taught her since birth, so it must be true. If the man factors his needs into the equation, then something is obviously wrong with him.
Then There’s Me….
Experts say that sex is the ultimate expression of love. It is the way to feel bonded and communicate how you feel. It is the way to show your partner how much you care, to express all these overwhelming emotions that can’t be put into words. In my case, it is the drug that gives me relief from the constant obsession of thinking about you. For a brief moment in time our souls become one–that is the drug that fueled me when we are apart. It made me excited about how great the future could be. I’m not talking about quickies here: I’m talking about the magical moments like when I held you in my arms in your bathtub. Those magical moments are intoxicating. I yearn for more them.
But the fact that I keep trying to build more memories like that with you makes me an asshole. So D, I wish you luck in your search. I hope you find a man that gets you, and can work with you to win writing contests and lets you take the credit. I hope he gets your smartass sense of humor. I hope he finds you sexy as hell, yet only acts on it at exactly the right moments. I hope he bends to your stubbornness, but knows how to pick his battles and stand up for himself too. I hope he respects your witty personality, but is deaf to the slicing cuts from your wicked tongue. And I hope he understands that he is the one that is complicated…not you. It’s never you.
Again, good luck finding that guy. I’m not him.