I have spent the last six months philosophizing and theorizing about various aspects of dating on this blog. Along the way I have developed certain dating “rules”. As my relationship with H ends, it occurs to me that it is a good time to see how some my rules worked when actually put into practice in the real world.
Smooth’s Rule: Online dating is a numbers game. I had a week where I could do no wrong on OKC. I don’t know how this happened, but one weekend BOOM!–out of nowhere I had six or so legitimate prospects interested in first dates on OKC. Apparently I just got lucky and several potential matches happened to open accounts that weekend.
Six is too many for me to continuously juggle, however as I believe online dating is a numbers game, I made an effort to try to meet all six before narrowing down the list.
To be honest, at the top of the list was a Brazilian woman with an incredible accent. She sent me a picture of her in a catwoman outfit and I almost went into cardiac arrest right there she was so beautiful. [How do Brazilian women do it anyway!?]
At the bottom of the list was H. Most men wouldn’t have taken the time to meet her while they had the Brazilian catwoman on the radar, but as I am the type of guy that develops deliberate processes and sticks to them, I was going to at least meet H face to face before I jumped to conclusions.
When I met her I was blown away. For a pleasant change, I finally met a woman that looked WAY BETTER than the pictures on her profile. It turns out she purposely downplayed her looks because she didn’t want any of her coworkers seeing her on a dating site.
The surprises didn’t end there. When she said she worked in medicine, I assumed she was a nurse. It wasn’t a terrible assumption to make because there are hordes of nurses on online dating sites. But it turns out H is a Medical Doctor. I’m not saying that money is important to me in a relationship, but is sure as fuck doesn’t hurt.
Intelligence doesn’t hurt either. As the evening progressed, H made more intelligent observations in one night than my therapist does in 5 sessions. Feeling understood and getting intelligent feedback is HUGE.
So the first date was a huge success for many reasons. I would have never met H if I didn’t believe that online dating is a numbers game. Rule: Validated.
Smooth’s Rule: Always Kiss By 2nd Date. No discussion necessary. Rule validated.
Smooth’s Rule: Be honest about relationship goals. Invariably, on the first date if not before, someone will ask “what are you looking for”? Dr. Intellectual Badass says people are looking for four things with online dating:
- Casual Dating
- A Relationship
When I answer the “What are you looking for” question, I just list these for things and say I am looking for #3, because that is the truth.
Now, if you want to tell a girl what she wants to hear, you can always say you are interested in marriage. But even if this is true, I think it is wiser to say say you are only interested in a relationship.
I might have had more luck with H had I said I was interested in marriage. But I have learned it is naive to give a woman what she thinks she wants and expect her to be happy. It is very much a trick, a trap, a Catch 22, a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation…
So I am thinking my system worked on this. Don’t fix what isn’t broken. Rule: Validated.
Smooth’s Rule: Disclose that Sex Is Important Early. Another question that typically comes up early is “why are you divorcing”? I typically use this opportunity to disclose that sex is going to be important to me in my next relationship.
Now, I realize this is wasted breath, because nobody is going to say that sex isn’t important to them. And “quality” sex is very relative to individual preferences, as illustrated in the Annie Hall clip below.
Also, as has been discussed around here lately, women like men who “just get it”, and don’t verbalize unattractive truths, no matter how obvious they are. So bringing up the subject of sex in any capacity is risky early in a relationship.
So I question whether this was the smart route to go with H. I wonder if it is smarter to just avoid the subject of sex altogether.
However, although not confident, I am sticking with early disclosure. If sex becomes an issue down the road, I feel better having given full disclosure up front in the event it becomes a deal breaker issue. I feel less guilty moving on that way, as it was her choice to selectively listen, and I attempted to fully communicate expectations up front. Rule: Questionable. More Testing Required.
Smooth’s Rule: Keep Multiple Irons In the Fire, aka keep juggling multiple balls, aka spinning multiple plates. If I am not spinning multiple plates, my confidence is shaken and my leverage is diminished. This was never more important than it was with H. Rule: Validated.
Smooth’s Rule: Be Sexually Active with Only One Partner at a Time. This is a practice I am not confident in. I have always disclosed that when juggling multiple plates, that does not imply being sexually active with all of them. My gut has always told me to be sexually active with only one woman at a time.
I am a germaphobe, and I hate condoms. And it just doesn’t feel right being intimate with multiple women with any crossover. (The mythical threesome being an obvious exception of course.) For these reasons I have always wanted to be sexually active with one partner at a time.
But I really question whether this is practical in the modern dating environment. The problem with my theory is that once we have sex, we are by default exclusive sexually due to my early disclosure. Many women don’t want the responsibility that comes with the exclusivity, although they will all claim they do.
I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it for some reason–I guess because I am a germaphobe. But my mind really thinks being exclusive sexually early in a relationship is a big mistake. Rule: False.
Smooth’s Rule: Sex In Five Dates or Five Weeks, whichever is later. The 5 or 5 rule has been validated repeatedly, including with H. Rule: Validated.
Smooth’s Rule: Friendzone Countermeasure Contingencies. H did friendzone me. Using my Friendzone Countermeasures I was able to move from the friendzone back to the bone zone. Rule: Validated.
Smooth’s Rule: Don’t ask, Just Do. Free Northerner is the genius responsible for this rule with his excellent article stating why we shouldn’t verbalize, and pretend we just get it.
Just remember, there will be plenty of time for verbalization after she falls hopelessly in love. Although my personality and initial instincts are to plan ahead and discuss certain details such as “should I pack a toothbrush?”, or “do I need to bring birth control?”, the female brain is repelled from these conversations. This is the shining example of when to apply the “it is better to ask for forgiveness than permission” school of thought and just do it in the early phases of a relationship.
Note: I do not want some knucklehead to pervert what I am saying to justify rape. No means no. I am just saying that when she is sending you clear signals that she is interested, don’t ruin the mood by verbalizing it. Just do it. Take the lead and go until she says no.
Also Note: I am a middle aged man dating experienced women. If you are a young man dating a virgin, be extra careful because if a girl claims it wasn’t consensual, you are guilty until proven innocent. So you better make damn sure you have consent.
Also Note: It is sad I feel the need to type these disclaimers on a personal blog.
Why does it ruin the mood to verbalize things and have an adult conversation? Because chicks are crazy. Read Free Northerners’s words of wisdom. This rule was not tested on H, it was created because of H. It is working nicely on “B” though. Rule: Further Testing Required.
Smooth’s Rule: Don’t Get Played. Several months ago I created a relationship evaluation tool called the Relationship Matrix. The Matrix is designed to help women evaluate the status of their relationship with men. But obviously, the same principles can be applied to a man trying to evaluate his relationship with a woman. This is exactly what I did with H.
When I used the Relationship Matrix, it became apparent that I was a “trade in” for her, and she was a “potential upgrade” for me. Of this, the Relationship Matrix says, “Fire Alarm—You are about to get burned. Broken heart imminent. Stock up on Kleenex.”
As I am a dude, the Kleenex were not necessary. But I did tell “H” that I was not wasting any more time with her. I used my newly reattached testicals and deep sixed the relationship, hot Pilates ass and all.
Although, technically, I am the one that ended it. The Relationship Matrix made it clear that I had no other choice. It was best to end it and save my man pride. Rule: Validated
Smooth Rules: Don’t Be Friends with an Ex. Being mature is overrated with breakups. Don’t try to be friends with them. It is better to just rip the bandaid off fast. They hurt you, tell them to fuck off, and get it over with. That way you move on as soon as possible. Plus you get the satisfaction of venting. Rule: Validated.
What do you think of Smooth’s Rules?