Oh, I wish I was joking. I truly do. I don’t pretend to understand the phenomenon, I can only report its existence. Gentlemen, you too need to be aware of this should you wish to avoid misunderstandings that could land you in friend-zone hell.
In fact, I will submit that the when is a date a date question is an excellent conversation starter when you are getting to know a woman. You will find some surprising answers if you do. Allow me to share with you a small sampling of my personal experiences with this phenomenon:
Example #1: A variation of this has happened to me MULTIPLE TIMES. It is not even unusual. When scheduling a first date, I now make it a point to use the word “date” just to draw this stuff out.
Me: So I am going to meet you at 7:00 for our date.
Her: Yes, 7:00, but it’s not a date.
Me: How is this not a date?
Her: It don’t consider meeting for drinks a date.
Me: I mean, I know it is a casual first date, but it is a date.
Her: Oh no, it’s not a date.
Me: We met on a dating website. How is this not a date?
Her: I don’t know you yet, it isn’t a date.
Me: Look, this conversation is getting awkward. you can call it whatever you want. But in my book, when a single man meets a single woman as the result of a dating website for the purpose of seeing if there might be romantic interest, that is a date. Now if you want to call it something else, fine, I’ll humor you from here on out and you can call it whatever you want to call it. But no matter what label you put on it, it is a date.
Her: I feel like you are pressuring me….
This is embarrassing to admit, but I did go on that date with this woman. Why? Because I’m a dumbass. Guess what? It didn’t work out.
Why was she playing mental gymnastics trying to weasel out of the word “date”? Two theories:
1) I am separated. Therefore in her mind if she went on a date with me she would be dating a married man. The solution was to relabel the meeting to anything other than date. Because, you know, if your moral code thinks dating a married man is wrong, the obvious solution to change the definition of “date”, as opposed to not going on the actual date.
2) By calling meetings like this anything other than “dates”, when she is asked how many dates she’s been on she can say none. This way she can keep telling her victims that she doesn’t date very much.
Me: How many people have you met off of POF?
Me: That’s great! So you are getting a lot of interest. How did the dates go?
Her: Oh, I didn’t go on any dates.
Me: But you just said you’ve met four men off the site.
Me: How did you meet them if you didn’t go on a date?
Her: They just weren’t dates.
Me: Like, give me an example of the last guy you met. Where did you meet him?
Her: At a bar.
Me: And what did you do at the bar?
Her: We drank and talked.
Me: How long were you there?
Her: Maybe two hours.
Me: You drank and talked for two hours with someone you met on a dating site. How is that not a date?
Her: It just isn’t.
The conversation ended and she really was uncomfortable with me pressing her. But I was too intrigued to let it go. I emailed her and asked her to define what makes a date a date. She said, and I quote verbatim, “I think a ‘date’ implies some physical contact – beyond a hug- might occur.”
I replied that she is describing a first date. But a first date is a date.
She replied by unfriending me on FB and never talking to me again.
But at least she had a better answer than the first one.
This woman and I are doing the usual icebreaker routine of sharing dating horror stories. I suppose it should be noted that this is not an online date, so the culture might be different for someone not exposed to the online world. Anyway, she proceeds to tell this story as if this is the most traumatic thing that has ever happened to her and she is damaged for life.
Here is her horrific story: She meets a guy for a second time at a bar. At the end of the evening he walks her to her car and tries to kiss her.
Me: So the guy tried to kiss you? Ummm…..tell me what he did wrong again please…
Her: Well I just wasn’t expecting it. I thought he was just being a gentleman and walking me to safely to my car.
Me: So let me get this straight: This guy meets you one night in a bar. You talk for a long time and have drinks.
Me: At the end of that evening he asks for you phone number…
Me: He then calls and ask you to meet at the bar again.
Me: You agree and meet him again. At the end of the 2nd evening together he walks you out to your car. And you are shocked that he tries to kiss you?
Her: Yes! I just thought we were friends!
Me: Which part did you think was just friends? When he got your number? Asked you out? Paid for the bar tab? Or walked you out the car? Sounds like a standard date to me.
Her. It wasn’t a date!
This conversation ended up with another FB block. (Her blocking me, not a RFBB.) But the woman is clearly batshit crazy. I happen to know the bar where this occurred and drinks are easily $15 a piece. For that bar tab, fuck yes the guy is going to try to kiss her at the end of the 2nd date!
I drove a couple of hours to meet this woman. When I call to tell her I’m getting close she says she’s running late. She is cryptic about why she was running late. Later in the evening I figure out that she went to the shooting range with a guy that afternoon and that is why she was running late.
Me: So I get it, you were late with me because you had a date with a different guy.
Her: It wasn’t a date.
Me: How is it not a date if two single people meet?
Her: We used to date but now we are just friends.
Me: Wait a minute. This is an Ex? If it is an Ex then it is definitely a date.
Her: It is not a date. We are just friends now.
Me: Okay S, so when is the last time you had sex with him?
Her. Maybe one or two weeks ago.
Me: OMG! If you are meeting someone you recently slept with, IT’S A DATE!
Her: We are just friends now. It’s not a date…
Result: Her FB unfriending me. No future dates.
I 100% guarantee that there are many women out there who have a steady FWB, but they are not calling their FWB sessions a date. Don’t get played gentlemen! I think the “when is a date a date” question is an excellent icebreaker to screen this type of nonsense out up front.
If you choose to date women like the ones in Example 1, 2, or 3, there is a strong chance you are going to be friend-zoned.
When do you consider a date a date?
Let me add a PS to this post. I want to clearly state that I am criticizing these women for not calling a spade a spade, or a date a date. I am not criticizing them for dating. Here is an email I received yesterday when I asked this woman out this weekend:
Well. Here’s the situation. I have a date tonight. I am hanging out with my mother tomorrow morning and early afternoon. I have a date Saturday night. I have a friend coming over Sunday night. So basically, I am free Sunday afternoon and later Saturday afternoon. My week starts getting booked up early on usually. God, I sound like a day-planner. ~ A
This woman clearly called a date a date, which I respect. I just want to clarify that my negative tone with previous examples are because those women are in denial about dating, and had negative reactions towards me when I called BS on their mental gymnastic delusions of dates not being dates. Unlike “A”, in the example above, who is unapologetic about going on dates. She is doing what people with online dating profiles are supposed to do: Date! Good for her I say!
When do you call a date a date?