Today I make good on my promise to deliver effective countermeasure tactics to a friend-zone attack.
The tactics do not work unless you fully understand and believe with all your heart that anything is better than being friend-zoned. Anything. The friend-zone is hell on earth. It should be avoided at all cost.
Okay guys, here it is. This is what you do when she says she wants to be friends: Say “No“.
Just say no. Tell her you are in to her, and that you don’t agree to just be friends.
Okay, so that is an over-simplification. Here are the specific steps.
- Listen to her explain her reasons for friendzoning you. Listen, don’t argue.
- Have her define what the “friend” boundaries are. e.g. do friends kiss?
- Say No. You are in to her and do not agree to stay in the friends lane.
- Politely make it clear that this changes things in ways she doesn’t understand yet.
- Follow-up words with actions fertilizing doubt growing in her mind. For example, initiate the Reverse Facebook Block.
- Keep her confused by being unpredictable going forward.
That’s basically all there is to it. Obviously, you have to correct the things that put you in the friendzone in the first place. But by using this formula you have a chance of moving out of the friend zone and back into the bone zone.
Unfortunately, I deal with this all the time. I am covered in “red flags” that make women nervous: I am separated and not divorced, I make it clear that marriage is not in my future anytime soon, I do not want more children, there is fear of being the “rebound woman”. For these reasons I am, unfortunately, extremely experienced with the Buyer’s Remorse reasoning. Sadly, I also have experienced the Not Into Me, and Was Too Nice reasons for being friend-zoned as well. So guys, trust me, when it comes to the subject of being Friendzoned, I know of that which I speak.
I’m experienced at this shit guys. I have successfully been in the friend zone and returned to the bone zone. My system works.
Let’s look at a real life sample. This is the conversation we had during the dreaded “we need to talk” date after Buyer’s Remorse had set in.
SAMPLE CASE: H
Smooth: So H, what’s bothering you?
H: I’ve been thinking and we just aren’t headed in the same direction. I don’t think we are right for each other. But I like hanging out with you and going to eat and stuff, so I think we should just be friends.
S: What does that mean, “just be friends”? *1
H: That means no more sex.
S: Does that mean no kissing?
H: I don’t think you’ll stop there.
S: Does that mean no holding hands?
H: Well…I don’t know.
S: You realize if we are “just friends” that I am going to date other people. Are you prepared to deal with me dating and sleeping with other women?
S: You aren’t going to get jealous?
H: I’m going to date other people too.
S: Well, I’m not going to lie, I’m disappointed to hear this because I am in to you.*2 I understand I’m not the perfect fit for what you are looking for, so I understand your mixed emotions about me. But I want to say for the record that I was up front with you about who I am, so you went into this with your eyes open from the very first date.
H: I know. It is just everything moved so fast. It’s distressing.
S: “Distressing?” Isn’t that a little melodramatic?
H: It is distressing! —
(At this point H proceeds to list all the legitimate reasons why I’m not a perfect match for her, including but not limited to; I’m technically married, I don’t want to have babies, and the fact I remind her of the Mr. No Commits she has wasted years of her life waiting on in the past. All are valid points, so I don’t try to argue otherwise.*3 I just silently sit with my knowledge that at our age there are always trade offs, and life should have taught her by now to be more grounded in accepting the unromantic practicalities of the world.)
S: Well H, I can’t be something I’m not to make you more comfortable. No relationship is pressure free. You sound like you have been thinking about this and talking it through with your friends. I hate it because I don’t think you realize what you have done. *4
S: Yes. This will change things going forward in ways you won’t understand until much later. I now know you aren’t sure of yourself, and if you don’t trust yourself it will be hard for me to trust you moving forward. Please don’t take that the wrong way–I’m just saying things will be different down the road. But now you are thinking you just want to be friends with me so you won’t appreciate that until later, I understand. *5
S: So, just to be clear, I want to clearly state for the record that I do not agree to be ” just friends”. *6
H: Well, I don’t think we are right for each other and I can’t keep doing what we are doing.
S: I understand. I respect your feelings and can’t force you to do anything you are aren’t comfortable with. For example, I am going to try to kiss you again. You can say no if you don’t want to do it, and I will always respect that. But no way am I going to agree to not try again. Again, I respect your feelings too. But the genie is already out of the bottle on some things and that can’t be easily put back in.
H: I didn’t mean to hurt you.
S: You are being melodramatic again. I think I’ll live… *7
Obviously this is a Buyer’s Remorse situation, but it should also be noted that had I not been Too Nice, this situation would have been avoided in the first place.
Here is analysis from the notes marked above in green.
1. Make her define exactly what she means by friends. Make her tell you where the boundaries are set. The more she hesitates on kissing, holding hands, double dating, cuddling, etc…the less confident she is in her decision. This is good for you.
2. “I am into you” seems to be my go to phrase because it is vague and keeps her wondering. Also it is not sappy.
3. For the first part of the discussion you have to make her feel understood.
4. Allude to this changing things in ways she doesn’t understand yet. This is a seed of doubt that will grow in her mind to your benefit. By doing this you are turning Buyer’s Remorse in your favor.
NOTE: At this point in the conversation you have to be firm in your resolve. You are taking control and being kind in telling her the way it is going to be. This is an example of when your fears should be hidden behind a facade of self confidence. It is okay for her to see that you are not happy about this conversation, but she has to see complete confidence in your face that you are going to do what needs to be done regardless of how much it sucks. This is an example of when the pansies at The Better Man Project will lead you into the depths of hell. Pretend to be confident even if you aren’t!
5. More seeds of doubt. But also, this statement is true in that you now know you can’t put all your faith in her as she doesn’t have the self confidence to stick to what she believes. She doesn’t know what she believes yet.
6. Leave zero room for doubt that you will not quietly occupy the friends only space.
7. Again, exude confidence, even false confidence, that you will do what needs to be done to move forward. In my case, this means having revenge sex as soon as humanly possible.
Following up this conversation you need to keep her off balance and not able to predict what you are doing or thinking. I know it is a sick game, but you need to be hot one week and cold the next. Disappear for days at a time and then unexpectedly ask her out. BE CONTRARIAN. Seriously, if she calls to ask you out say no, that you already have plans. Even if you have to lie.
Later I will share how to initiate the Reverse Facebook Block. The Reverse Facebook Block is an easy yet effective move to keep her off balance, and to help you increase your confidence and keep your poise.
Go out with her a couple of times and be cold. If she is hinting that she wants a kiss DON’T. This bitch rejected you…you reject her. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. SHE is the one that started the game. Remember, you tried to not play games but were friend-zoned for being too nice. Now you call the shots! When she wants a kiss don’t do it!
After she has time to think about and worry about you moving on, then, when she least expects it, you kiss her. Once you get to this spot you should be back out of the friend-zone.
On a final note, you will not be successful in executing this tactic unless you have multiple plates spinning. If all your energy is on this one girl, she will know and she will have too much power. You will not be able to get out of the friend-zone unless you have the confidence that comes from knowing there is a good contingency plan in place.
I know these games are sick. I hate playing them. But I swear they are unavoidable. So gentlemen, go forth and release countermeasures with a clean conscious.
- Nice Guy’s Finish Last. (donatellohunt.wordpress.com)
- Stereotyping the friend zone. (teenprobz.wordpress.com)
- Forever Alone and the Friendzone. (boldandunashamed.com)
- The Science of the Friend Zone: Friendzoning Explained [Video] (geeksaresexy.net)
- The Wrong Way To Get Out Of The Friendzone (heartiste.wordpress.com)
- Am I a Nice Guy
- Diagram of Why You are Being Friendzoned
- Date Lab: Let’s Just Be Friends