Next week is friend-zone week here at the Smooth Reentry Blog. That’s right, all next week will be dedicated to discussing the hated friendzone. It will be friend-zone discussion galore!
Next week I’m going to publish, what I believe to be, my best written post to date. It is on the subject of unfriending on Facebook. To bring balance to the discussion, you will see a reblogged post or two. And we might even hear from a bonafide expert.
We will also discuss the important issue of whether the word friendzone should have a hyphen. Okay, maybe that isn’t important, but I’m not joking…we are going to talk about the hyphen.
Today, as a primer heading into next week, I am going to talk about my recent experiences in the friendzone. So grab some cheese and get ready–because here comes the whine…
MY FRIENDZONE ANGST
The Friend-Zone: Welcome to my world folks! In the last two and half years I’ve been friendzoned more than any other man on the planet. So much that I am teetering on the brink of insanity!
What makes me sick is I know there are some of you who have never struggled with this. Like The Most Interesting Man in the World‘s take on manscaping, some men have no idea what it’s like to be friendzoned. Lucky bastards.
Nice guys are the ones who get stuck in the friendzone, right? Well, yes that is true since I happen to be the nicest motherfucker you will ever meet. But my eternal patience, understanding, caring, and general softer side traits are not why women are continually banishing me to the friendzone….
It isn’t like I am scared to make a move. If you’ve read this blog at all, you have probably picked up on the fact that I can be as subtle as a sledge hammer. Being assertive really isn’t a problem for me.
The problem is, women treat ordinary middle aged baggage as toxic nuclear waste to be avoided at all cost. As one woman who friendzoned me said, “You’ve got red flags all over you.” My red flags include:
- I’m separated and not divorced
- I don’t want to father more children
- I’m not interested in getting married again soon
- I’m “fresh out” of a relationship
Time and time and time again these reasons have been thrown in my face as reasons why “I’m dangerous to get involved with.”
They are telling me “I’m dangerous” before then even see all the other flags, like: The fact the divorce is leaving me broker than the Ten Commandments. Or the fact I’m pretty much an emotionally needy, high maintenance, sexually crazed bastard. As long as they are throwing flags in my face, they might as well get them all out I say. Why leave the big ones hidden?
I know my baggage isn’t attractive. But what person in their 40s doesn’t have baggage?
As I’ve complained about before, if a woman has a better prospect interested in her, I’m very understanding of not settling for me. Hell, I’ll be the first to tell her there is a better fit out there in these cases. But there just aren’t that many Prince Charmings out there!
THE SEPARATED FLAG
Take the “separated” red flag that gets thrown in my face CONSTANTLY.
I have clients who are divorced living in the same house due to finances. Is that guy a better catch than me? The one still living with his ex wife?
How about the guy that packed his bags, left his family, and got a quick divorce? Is that guy a better catch than me? Am I to understand that I’m not as good a prospect because I took my obligations seriously and am doing my best to dissolve the marriage in an honorable way?
Or how about the guy who has already gone through 3 marriages, but he’s divorced this month. Is that a better catch for the ladies?
How about the guy who has never been married. What do these women think? That it is going to be easy to reform a life-long bachelor? That they are going to be THE ONE to succeed where countless others have failed before them?
THE “FRESH OUT” FLAG
I also have the “You’re Not Ready” flag thrown in my face constantly. I honestly don’t understand this one either. It has been well over two years since I slept wife. I mean literally and figuratively—OVER TWO YEARS! How much time do I need? What is more time going to bring me? Does something magic happen after three years that doesn’t happen in the first two?
Why are these women even discussing this with me anyway? Aren’t you suppose to hang out with someone a while before you decide to be exclusive? Then maybe be exclusive for a while and see how that goes? Why are they telling me “I’m not ready” after the second date and trying to friend-zone me right then? Isn’t that the cart getting before the horse?
It seems to me that they want a guarantee they won’t get their hearts broken. It seems they want some kind of commitment before I fall in love. As if they want all the benefits without any of the risks, and that just isn’t going to happen.
HOW I GET FRIENDZONED
This is the reoccurring pattern that curses me:
- Take woman out. Disclose all baggage up front.
- Intimate with woman…be it first base or home run.
- Woman starts to like me.
- Woman freaks out, is terrified of getting hurt, and/or has buyer’s remorse.
- Woman sticks me in the friend-zone.
That’s it. Same pattern over and over.
SICK. OF. IT.
I’m sick of it. So sick of it that I sit down to write a short post announcing next week is friendzone week, and the next thing you know I’ve had verbal diarrhea complaining about the topic and spilled out a thousand words. Smooth’s frustrations are high folks.
Here is the part that pisses me off: Women are focusing on the risks and ignoring the benefits.
One of the relationship experts I respect is Dr. Christie Hartman. Her articles seem to have more substance, with less fluff and puff, than the scads of other self proclaimed relationship experts that occupy the same expert space.
Dr. Hartman wrote an entire book on the subject of dating the divorcing man. In the book she list all my redflags and more, which I have to reluctantly admit is fair. But she also lists some benefits of the divorcing man too. For example, one benefit of the divorcing man is that he has experience at being in a relationship.
So it is a high risk, high reward situation.
The most successful dating story I’ve seen in the last two and half years mirrors this exactly. A friend of mine dated a divorcing man, and for the last year they have been extremely happy.
But she was smart. She recognized the high risk/high reward trade off and made the conscious decision to take a chance. She took the chance and it paid off. Big time.
I’m not finding women willing to take a chance like my friend did. The women I’m meeting complain about being tired of playing games and wanting a relationship, they date me, a who is experienced at being in relationships. They then decide to friend-zone me so they can continue to date men who have no successful experience at long term relationships.
Makes sense right?
Hell no! It makes no sense at all! These flip-flopping women are killing me!
Add all these frustrations up, and you end up with an entire week’s worth of discussion on the friendzone topic. As the week progresses, I invite everyone to post links to any relevant page you deem pertinent.
Again, please give extra attention to the Facebook Block post appearing on March 28. I am attached to that one.