More Tips on Dating with a Pet

Today I offer more tips on how to keep your pets from chasing away men. Click here to view yesterday’s post.

woman-kissing-terrier-couch_0

Give mommy some sugar. And intestinal worms.

5) DON’T KISS THE DOG – As I have already confessed, I am guilty of making most of these mistakes personally. Kissing the dog is at the top of my embarrassing mistakes list. I know your pet is so cute and adorable that you want to kiss it. I’m sure it is even more cute and adorable when it kisses you back. You must remember you are blinded by love. When you see your dog you see your best friend that is always loyal and affectionate. That is not what your guest sees. Your guest sees just another dog and a grown woman acting like a freak who has lost all sensibilities.

The man just watched the dog bite itself as it scratches it’s stomach, then mop the kitchen floor with its tongue in search of crumbs, then it lay down and licked it’s private parts for several minutes. The man did briefly think to himself, “I wish I could do that” before quickly realizing the dog would bite him [imagine punchline drumsmack please].

But now you have baby talked the dog and let it lick your face. On your mouth. Your guest WAS planning to kiss you later, but since you have now covered your face in dog dick germs, the chances of him making his move have declined considerably. He may drink enough to forget about the dog germs tonight, but in the morning he will remember.

It’s not just the fact that he watched the dog lick it’s dick and then lick your face. He is thinking about how much his dog likes to drink out of the toilet bowl. For all he knows your dog has the same habit, so you now have people germs all over your face too. Oh yummy.

It is even worse than that really. Dogs get intestinal worms all the time. I can think of several times I have personally witnessed an inside, sheltered, sleep-in-bed-with-human, dog get intestinal worms. Upon discovery the owners always say something like, “I can’t imagine where he got them [intestinal worms]”. Which really is a dumb statement since you know the owner has stood there hundreds of times, holding the leash, watching his dog sniff other dogs’ asses. But it doesn’t matter anyway WHERE the dog got the worms, be it from another dog’s ass, swallowing a bug or eating cat shit, it just doesn’t matter where or how he got the worms. IT IS A DOG. Because it is a dog there is a high chance it will have worms at some point in its life. Period.

Can you catch worms from your dog? Hell yes you can. It starts with a butt lick and is transferred via a cute puppy kiss. Most men dream of threesomes, but I’ll pass on the intestinal parasite variety.

Why do I want you to have a man in your life?

Great guy huh? What’s in it for me?

6) GET PET HAIR OFF THE FURNITURE – Relax! I am not about to tell you to keep your pet off the furniture. I already know that you know how crazy it is to let your pet ruin your nice furniture by letting it live a life of leisure at your expense. I also know you can’t help yourself. Yes, that’s right, I understand and so do most guys. Part of the fun of owning a pet is cuddle time. Believe it or not, even with our Y chromosome handicap, we understand that. We even feel the same way although we are reluctant to admit it. So I won’t even try to win the argument that you should keep your pets off the furniture. That’s a battle men will never win.

As a compromise, can there be one piece of furniture in the living room that is pet hair free? Just one? A small chair maybe? That’s all we ask. One place to sit down and have a drink and conversation that won’t require a $30 dry cleaning bill afterwards. Is that too much to ask?

Maybe put a blanket over a chair for day-to-day living, and take it off when your guest arrives? Here is a crazy thought: why not teach the animal that it’s not allowed on the designated piece of furniture?

Mover over rover.

Move over rover.

7) DON’T MIX PETS WITH PLAYTIME! – If playtime happens to start on the sofa, the animals need to go. Hopefully they respect your personal space enough to move away. If your animal is completely spoiled rotten, annoyingly insisting and whining to get on the sofa too–then put it outside, put it in another room, or lock it in a crate. Pets and playtime do not mix! 

Cesar Millan says that the dog should respect the human’s personal space. The human decides and controls when to give affection, not the animal. If you can’t keep your pets off the furniture while you are cuddling with your date, then your pet clearly does not respect your space.

I have this problem at my house. Having a guest in the house is like having a substitute teacher at school; the kids know there is a different set of rules with the new person and are going to test the limits. Likewise, if the dog spots a sucker he is going to test his normal boundaries.

The problem in my house is vocal tone. The woman will say “No-no, don’t do that”. But her vocal tone is high and excited like she is playing peek-a-boo with a baby. The vocal tone says, “You are so cute! I’m excited to see you!”.  This vocal tone is the opposite of the “calm assertive demeanor”  that Cesar Millan consistently preaches. The baby talk vocal tone pretty much goes against the advice of every single dog training expert on the planet. Yet many women cannot help themselves and continue using the excited, high-pitched, baby talk tone that excites the dog at a time when we are trying to get him to leave us the hell alone. I consistently see employees in pet stores do the exact same thing as well, so it really amazes me that using the wrong vocal tone is the social norm, and no amount of expert training is going to get women to act differently (speaking generally of the masses of course).

As a result I end up having to lock my dog up when a woman comes over. Don’t feel bad if you have to do the same. I don’t want to be like Seth Rogen’s character in the 40 Year old Virgin and be surprised by a dog licking me in the middle of playtime. That type of awkwardness should be avoided.

Incidentally, speaking of the 40 Year old Virgin, apparently the poker scene where the dog licking is discussed is some kind of midterm project for drama students. Watching the women play the roles piglike men is like looking through a portal into some kind of Bizarro World.

I hope you found my pet tips moderately entertaining if not useful.

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3 thoughts on “More Tips on Dating with a Pet

  1. Pingback: Are Your Pets Chasing Men Away? | Smooth ReEntry

  2. I know for sure I’ll have to lock my cat up if things get heated. My cat is the most insistent, persistent animal ever when it comes to looking for attention.

    • I haven’t thought about it until now, but if you clean the litter box and get the cat out of site and out of mind during playtime, then that cat is probably the best wingman ever. Wow! Huge “aha” moment for me! I’m envisioning the emotional reaction a woman would have to discovering you own a cat, take care of it properly, and spoil it. That has to be so comforting to catladies. Am I off here? Is your cat a dating asset?

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