I will now humbly submit tips on how to keep your pet from sabotaging a date with a man.
1) CLEAN THE LITTER BOX – Turn the lights down low, but on some Barry White, and enjoy the ambiance of cat turds displayed in the most disgusting way possible.
Recently I visited a lady friend who I was interested in dating. That is, I was interested in dating her until I saw the litter box. The FULL litter box. At that point all interest in her vanished. The spinster’s cat display was in her bathroom and it was beyond GROSS! It looked gross and smelled gross. I am about to throw-up in my mouth just thinking about it as I type. Seriously–nothing permanently ingrains spinster catlady visions in man’s brain like a full litter box. Move the damn litter box to some hidden part of the house where the man can’t see it! And for goodness sakes, regardless of where the litter box is placed, clean that shit out (pun intended) before your guest arrives!
2) DON’T OVER DO THE FROO-FROO — I know part of the fun of owning pets is that you spoil them. I do it, and so does everyone else. I’m not suggesting you shouldn’t continue to spoil the animal, but maybe restrain yourself a little and keep it in a check when you are trying to make a first impression. Leave the man some hope that you haven’t lost touch with reality. Leave him some hope that you self-aware you caring for a dog and not a human baby. If you own a Chihuahua, don’t overdue the cute sweater. If you own a froo-froo breed, consider forgoing the cute little ribbons. Especially if the poor animal happens to be male! On behalf of all straight men I am here to tell you that people clothes on dogs make us uncomfortable. Especially cute little bows on male dogs. [No! I don’t care if the ribbon is blue! Male dog=no ribbons in hair! Period!]
3) ELIMINATE PET SMELL — You can’t smell pet odor in your own house because you are desensitized to it. And your friends are too polite to tell you your house reeks. The truth is dogs smell. All dogs smell. We are supposed to wash them once a week, but can you honestly say that you wash your’s 52 times a year?
The pet itself is bad enough, but pet urine is even worse. Especially cats.
When I was looking at houses I could instantly tell the pet owners when I walked in the door. GROSS! I would instantly turn around, mark that house off the list, and move on to the next one. As I got back in the car I would think, “Gee lady, I wonder why your house has been on the market for 200+ days? — Could it be the wall of pet urine stench that slaps you in the face when you step in the door?” These people were SHOWING THEIR HOUSES TO PERSPECTIVE BUYERS and they were unaware that their house stunk! Don’t make the same mistake they did by inviting a man into a home that smells like piss.
There is no getting around it, this is what all of us pet owners need to periodically do: Invite a friend over and explain to them that you need an honest answer. You have to make them promise to give you an honest answer. You then ask them if your house smells like pets. That’s right, you have to put your closest friend on the spot. Then you have to adjust their answer by taking out the BS filter they will use in their response to save your feelings. For example, if they say, “well, maybe I can smell a little bit of something“, that translates to, “your house smells like pet piss“. If they answer in the affirmative in any way it is time to go on the warpath against pet odor in your home.
Finally, let me add that Air Wick ain’t going to cut it! Lavender Chamomile mixed with pet piss still reeks.
4) DON’T LET THE DOG CLEAN THE DISHES –Imagine this: you prepare a nice meal for your house guest and things go great. You have a few glasses of wine and enjoy breaking bread together. He even helps clean up the kitchen afterwards. You are enjoying the conversation and begin your normal dishwasher loading routine of letting your dog lick the food off the plates as you load them into the dishwasher.
You just blew it. You nuked your chances.
The guy politely continues conversation, but little do you know that he is long gone. He is sitting there thinking, “Holy shit! Did she just feed me a meal on a plate that her fucking dog licked? Shit! Where is my Listerine? What other disgusting habits does this woman have?–OMG I am never eating at this woman’s house again. Ever.”
The following week you bring a casserole to a potluck dinner. It is hardly touched. Hmm…I wonder how that could be?
This is real folks. People really do let their dog “clean” the plate by licking them before putting them in the dishwasher. If you don’t believe me check out these examples:
Here is the thing; this practice is fucking disgusting.
I know what these people think. They think that the plates are about to be washed in the dishwasher so it doesn’t hurt anything. Me picking my nose at the dinner table doesn’t hurt anything either, but it is fucking disgusting so I don’t do it.
Even if the man says he doesn’t care, he cares. Keep the dog away from people kitchenware when you are trying to impress a guest.
Tomorrow I will offer more tips on how to keep your pets from chasing men away.