My self awareness meter isn’t the best. Therefore it is hard for me to self analyze what phase of recovery I am in currently. Marriage Purgatory is behind me. My best guess is that this next phase I’m in will one day be referred to as my man whore phase. Considering my situation, it is laughable for me to have an opinion on anything related to relationships. However, I feel compelled to share what little wisdom I have in the interest of protecting some poor smuck who is about to ruin his Valentines Day. With this in mind I will share my humble opinion on the characteristics of effective make-out music.
Tomorrow I shall reveal a Top 10 List of “Songs”. I’m sure you are all on the edge of your seats in anticipation of such a unique groundbreaking post never before attempted on the blogosphere…*
Naturally, in researching the topic, I did a Google search to see how my opinion stacks against the public at large’s. Lady Gaga and Britney Spears came up on many many lists. (Really? –Well I suppose 12 year olds are on the internet too…)
Death Metal and Rap genres came up on many lists too. This is harder for me to relate too. I know as individuals we all have our own unique taste–but making out to head banging music doesn’t seem like the best fit to me. I would be scared her favorite part of the song would come on at the wrong moment and I’d have my lip busted by an involuntary head thrust!
It occurs to me that before I reveal my amazing list that I should take a moment to try to define what characteristics to look for in good make-out music. Obviously, any good music adds to the atmosphere and helps set the mood. Variety is the spice of life, so the idea of listening to the same music all the time is (YAWN!) boring! Therefore, for a run-of-the mill make out, sex, or love making session–whatever genre you are in the mood for is fine.
For the purposes of this list, I’m not talking about a regular session. I’m talking about breaking out the big guns. The list of songs to ROCK HER WORLD and make her head spin…
It is always hard to concretize emotions into written word. The best I can do is offer an analogy from my college days: One weekend some neighbors in my dorm turned their room psychedelic. They had black lights, a disco ball, and what was the closest thing to surround sound that existed in 1989. There was the most comfortable reclining chair on the planet in the middle of the room…the kind that involuntarily sucks you in to dream land no matter how stressed you are when you sit down. People would go in, sit in the magic chair, and listen to “The End” by the Doors. It was trippy.
The experience was especially trippy to those who had never heard The End before. One guy left the room looking all dazed and confused and said “My mind is completely fucked up, and I haven’t even taken any drugs.”**
The best makeout*** songs are the same but different. You want her to have the same intoxicating, head-spinning, dazed and confused feeling. The feeling where she loses all sense of time and space and is totally focused on the moment at hand. The feeling where all her senses are in hyperdrive and her brain is keenly aware of every sensory input her body is receiving. Everything sensual becomes amplified. You give her that feeling gentlemen, and you are going to make her question her reality because you just rocked her fucking world.
She didn’t see it coming either. Oh, bless her heart. She thought she was in the drivers seat in the relationship didn’t she? Move over baby–there is a man ready to take the wheel. And her head is spinning because she thought she wanted to be in control but now nothing makes her happier than you being at the wheel. You rocked her world and messed her mind. But it feels so good to her.****
My friends, this is ultimately what effective makeout music is trying to help you accomplish. No BS. Not to be melodramatic, but it is about restoring balance to the relationship universe. That is no small task my friends, and Britney Spears just ain’t going to cut it for this endeavor…*****
Men, here are some words of wisdom for using the playlist:
- Don’t break this shit out too soon. It will backfire.
- Don’t use on Valentines Day. Valentines Day is filled with unrealistic expectations, therefore you can’t win. You are set up to fail. Your goal for Valentines is to minimize her disappointment. You are not going to rock her world or advance the relationship on Valentines. It’s a trap I tell you. Heed my wisdom for your own safety!
- Surprise Her. One of these days I will have to write a series of posts on the wisdom of Sun Tzu applied to the battle of the sexes. But for now just trust me, break this out after she is lulled into confidence and doesn’t expect eclectic music.
- Wine not Vodka. Break this out when she has a warm fuzzy wine buzz. Vodka buzz is too volatile. Don’t waste it on that.
- Immunity. She will build an immunity to the hypnotic effects quickly. Use sparingly.
*This is the heaviest kind of sarcasm imaginable. **Not that most people who were going in the room weren't using drugs. Because trust me, they were. Pink Floyd had nothing on that 1989 psychedelic dorm room. ***Dude, please tell me by now you have picked up on the fact that the term "Makeout" is a thinly veiled reference for using your mouth, fingers, cock, and possibly toys to make her cum hard many times. ****Don't be a dick once you take the wheel. Take care of her. *****Unless you are 12.
- 90s pop love songs… Valentines Day around the corner (proverbsbyefua.wordpress.com)
- Sitcom Superlatives – Makeouts, Meta, and More (Originally for CliqueClack) (juliahass.wordpress.com)
- Save $$ this Valentine’s Day! (theprepcrew.wordpress.com)