A Cougar With No Claws

Life must suck for the cougar with no claws.

Life must suck for the cougar with no claws.

Let me introduce you to Nancy. Nancy is the woman who asked me out. Yes, SHE asked ME out. It was pretty gutsy of her to tell you the truth. Her assertiveness paid off too…

I started talking to her on POF. I was goofing around on the laptop, looking for a distraction while in marriage purgatory, and impulsively emailed her. Mostly because I needed someone to talk to. Frankly, her profile did not stand out physically, intellectually, or with mutual interests. Had I not been miserably lonely and desperate for escapism I am sure I would have never emailed her.


Nancy is a 51 year old grandmother. She is 10 years older than me and pushing the limits of being too old for me to date. (How old is too old is a topic worthy of continued thought….) She is very plain and, to be honest, her profile does not stand out. But Nancy played her cards right. Once contact was initiated Nancy was persistent. She was not obsessive or annoying, but she initiated contact with me just the right amount to stay on my radar. It is interesting to think about now in hindsight—the girl played her cards right up to a certain point.


Why am I posting a picture of Rachael Ray as I write about Nancy?---Hell if I know.

Why am I posting a picture of Rachael Ray as I write about Nancy?—Hell if I know.

After we talked for a while she successfully cyber-stalked me. She determined my real name and true identity based on very subtle pieces of information I had given her during the course of conversation. Piecing together little clues Nancy was able to resourcefully find out all about me…

…Many of you would assume that this would creep me out, yet I was not disturbed in the slightest. I was impressed with her detective skills. I was flattered by her interest. She was not apologetic about doing her due diligence, nor should she have been. Everyone in the online dating world should follow Nancy’s example and do the same. I wasn’t creeped out, in fact, I genuinely appreciated her honesty for telling me exactly what she had done.

What a gutsy move! She was playing the dating game on her terms. I liked it. Her cyber-stalking maneuver commanded my respect and earned my attention.


While I enjoyed talking to her, I still was not excited about the prospect of going out with her. Considering this, her next move was even more impressive. She calls me at my office and asks me to lunch. I wish I could remember the specifics of the conversation–because when I answered the phone I had no desire to go to lunch–but when I hung up the phone I had agreed to meet her for lunch. She pretty much told me I had run out of excuses for delaying.

As I am running out of space, let me simply say that lunch was great. I felt very comfortable and communication was easy. No deep chemistry or lustful desire–just an enjoyable lunch with a new friend.

Bottom Line: Nancy successfully attracted my interest. The cougar skillfully hunted down a hare. I must confess that being being pursued (ie, being the hare) was a fun change of pace.

Up until know I have presented Nancy as role-model in how she played her cards right to progress from barely noticeable to firmly on my radar. Up until now that is…


Here is where the story takes a turn that I do not understand. Maybe this shows how men and women think totally different. The fairer sex will always puzzle me I suppose.

Note: Remember, at this point I am still suffocating in marriage purgatory and desperate for any excuse to get out of the house. This is still November.

Nancy is a bleeding heart mother and a grandmother (YIKES!). Her daughter and granddaughter live with her still, due to circumstances that are unfortunately sad but common. But this one particular weekend Nancy has her house to herself.


Now, to me, as a male parent, I think anytime you get the kids out of the house the automatic reaction should be to take advantage and have adult fun. As the saying goes, when the cats are away the mice will play. That doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be naughty–sometimes just having a quiet house to read and write can be exactly what is needed. But, frequently, the absence of kids automatically means you boycott the Disney channel, catch up on R-rated movies you’ve wanted to watch, and you HAVE SEX. Lots of sex. Sex in different rooms. Sex with noise. Binge on sex because come Monday you will be in Teletubby hell again.

To me, it is obvious that this is what adults should do when kids are away. In fact, I just wasted a paragraph stating the obvious. If your kids are gone, you catch-up on adult time. That is what you do. Period.

Upon learning she would be home alone I say, “What time am I coming over?”. [Again, still waiting for grammar guru to teach me how to punctuate previous sentence.] To which she replies, “I have a lot of stuff to do.”

Hmm…the rejection is a little disappointing considering I thought I was her top priority. But no problem, I understand. She already has plans…might be with another guy even. I totally understand.


The following week I find out what she really did that golden opportunity weekend: She got all her Christmas shopping done and all her Christmas presents wrapped. That is what she spent the weekend doing. Finishing Christmas in November.


The cougar hunts the hare and upon catching him she….wraps Christmas presents? In NOVEMBER? WTF!?

She had a chance to fuck the guy she has been chasing for weeks and lets the chance slip her by so she can wrap presents a month ahead of time?

Have you ever heard of this? A cougar that doesn’t close the deal!?

Stupid cats! When you catch a mouse eat the damn mouse! Don’t toy with it and let it get away!

7 thoughts on “A Cougar With No Claws

  1. Pingback: Smooth’s Rules Put to Test | Smooth ReEntry

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