10 Things I Hate about Star Trek

Maybe “hate” is too strong a word, but there is no way an over-analytical mind like mine can watch as much Star Trek as I have without developing some pet peeves. “Pet Peeves” just doesn’t sound as good in a blog post title, so I’m going to stick with 10 things I hate about Star Trek. Enjoy.

1) NO POCKETS

Star Trek Red Shirt Curse

The casualty count on this away mission is going to be high. (Red Shirt Curse)

The original Star Trek uniforms were cool. Back in the 70s when I was watching Star Trek reruns, I thought it was so cool when they would go on an away mission and slap those phasers on their state-of-the-art Velcro belts.

That was cool back then. But they had to take it too far. I mean, are we to believe that pockets have been outlawed in the future?

Not just Starfleet either, have you ever noticed that even aliens don’t use pockets? I’m convinced that if the Romulans, Borg, Klingons, or Cardasians rediscover pockets, then Federation is fucked. The side that rediscovers the utility of pockets is going to win.

How bad would it suck if you had chapped lips and needed some Chapstick? Would you only use one hand that day because you had to carry it around the ship? Or what if you are on an away mission and want to bring a little rock or something back to the ship for analysis? Without pockets, you would have to carry that thing around all day! That would suck!

I feel so sorry for those TNG actors standing around in that spandex. That had to be terrible.

The only problem I have with the costumes is that they have no pockets. Where do they keep all their stuff?

Jonathan Frakes expresses his confusion

2) NO ROBOTS

Where are the robots?

Where are the robots?

We have robots in the 21st century, but in the 24th century they don’t have a single one? Why are they always crawling around Jefferies Tubes when they could send 24th century Roomba in to fix that stuff?

How did they go from no robots at all to a full out android?

 

3) ALIEN DIVERSITY

220px-OdanFor a while there, it seems like every single alien species in the universe looked human with different ridges on their heads.

How is it possible that all aliens coincidently end up being about the same size as a humanoid? Somewhere out there, isn’t there a race where the average height is 12 feet tall? Or one whose average height is two feet tall?

I know there are limited special effects budgets. But TOS did more with less by being more creative.

4) NO MONEY

Maybe they had to get rid of money after they outlawed pockets.

It’s hard to know where to start when discussing how dumb the idea of no money is. I guess in the future we just live in utopia and don’t need stable medium of exchange. And yet the ships fly around trying to recruit planets to the Federation so they can trade. And they have these Ferringhi characters portrayed as capitalist, but who more closely resemble mercantilist. Gene Roddenberry didn’t know shit about Economics.

I will write a story one day explaining how money is privatized in the Federation of Planets, and that the economy is so stable because the Federation does not interfere with latinum banking. That is the only reasonable explanation for the high standard of living everyone in the Federation seems to enjoy.

The problem I have with this idea is that nutcase quacks like the guy in the embedded video below, take it too seriously (See Trekker vs Trekkie). The fact that people like this, who have completely lost touch with reality, are allowed to vote explains much that is wrong in the world.

5) UNREALISTIC TRANSPORTING

TSDSTTR PA062

Yes, I realize the phrase “unrealistic teleportation” is a huge oxymoron. Take your shots if you must.

The transporters in the TOS were cool. If I don’t think about it too much, I can buy in to transporting from one transporter pad to another. I also can buy in to transporting to a planet’s surface…like a wide open field or something.

But they had to take it too far. They started beaming directly to sick bay and bypassing the transporter pad. Then they were transporting through shields. Then onto other ships traveling at warp speed…they got too cute with it.

I was just never able to adjust my thinking. They made such a big deal out of how hard it is originally. But before you knew it they started transporting people all over the place, completely disregarding precedents set in earlier episodes.

And when was the last time someone was killed in a transporter accident? Star Trek 1? If you are going to be silly with it, at least have someone land in a bulkhead every once in a while. Then I will be able to buy-in a little more at least. All those aggressive transporter maneuvers should have some red shirt casualties.

Bottom Line: They got too cute with the transporters.

6) THE HOLODECK

holodeck is stupid

If I think transporting through raised shields is stupid, do I even need to explain why I hate the Holodeck? Some dumb shit happened on the Holodeck.

The Holodeck could have been mentioned like they did on DS9, but never entered. Not a single time. Most of the episodes that center around the Holodeck suck.

7) INTEROPERABLE TECHNOLOGY

Galaxy_bridge_starboard_command_console

Great news! In the future apparently every piece of technology uses the same operating system. Seriously. You can beam over to any alien vessel, from any part of the galaxy, and it will only take you moments to master their technology. Seriously, it doesn’t matter what language they speak or anything.

Also, you can jump in any vessel and hotwire that bitch in two seconds flat.

And if you have a tricorder, you can do anything. I can’t get my fucking bluetooth to pair to my car in the 21st century, but in the 24th century that shit is a snap!

 

8) EMPTY CORRIDORS

tng_corridor00002Space is a premium on any ship I’ve ever been on. But apparently not in the 24th century. In the 24th century ships have 1,000+ people on them. But don’t worry, despite all the people, if you are sneaking around their ship the corridors will be conveniently empty.

You can run all over the place and you will only see one or two people max. The halls will be spacious and empty. Enemy ships or Federation ships–it doesn’t matter. There will be empty corridors.

Unless Nicholas Meyers is directing. He is the only one that actually shows people in the halls. That is why Nicholas Meyer is the ultimate Star Trek badass.

9) WESLEY CRUSHER

Wesley_Crusher,_2365

The Enterprise is the flagship of the fleet and is expected to take the lead in dangerous military and first contact situations.

What a great environment to raise children.

Kids on a military ship. I say bah humbug to that.

Oh, if that isn’t stupid enough, step aside all 100 Starfleet Academy trained Ensigns on board itching to get a turn at the wheel. Tough shit for you Ensign, because we want the most annoying kid of all, who isn’t old enough to get a driver’s license, to pilot this flagship into battle against our arch enemy the Borg.

Ewoks are better than Wesley Crusher. That is how bad that character sucked.

10) LAME PHASERS

Don't make me have to vacuum the lint off you!

Don’t make me have to vacuum the lint off you!

TOS Star Trek phasers were always cool. As were the phasers featured in the movies of the original cast. Then came the dust busters of TNG. They redeemed themselves somewhat in later seasons, but they never again reached the coolness of the original phaser design. Why did they have to fix what wasn’t broken?

FINAL COMMENTS

As I write this post, it occurs to me that the first two seasons of TNG were Gene Roddenberry’s baby. He is responsible for all 10 of these pet peeves. After Roddenberry took a less active role, TNG became much cooler. Therefore, to me, this list backs up my assertion that Gene Roddenberry is overrated.

Tomorrow we will discus sidearms more…

Click here for more Star Trek posts.

 

9 thoughts on “10 Things I Hate about Star Trek

  1. Pingback: Is Gene Roddenberry Overrated? | Smooth ReEntry

  2. 7) INTEROPERABLE TECHNOLOGY

    I’d guess that Microsoft wins every subsequent anti-trust investigation and go on to world domination? Bill Gates will stop at nothing to rule the universe [EVIL LAUGH]

  3. The teleportation always confuses me. They don’t keep the rules of teleportation consistent! And I’m so with you on the robots. Where are they, Star Trek, where?

    • A much belated thank-you for the reply. Yes–the engineers can tweak the transporters to do anything in order to save a script, but to hell with all the presidents they’ve set before!

  4. I wonder if the “no money” thing is explained by some kind of abundance society. Energy resources are abundant. Powerful companies produce robots that take over most tasks people can do, and most people have no jobs. If left to their own devices, they’d starve and the powerful companies would have no profits (or even be violently murdered), so they either give up some cash, or are taxed so much that everyone else lives on welfare, pretty much. Not sure if that would create a good society in real life, but who knows – in Star Trek it might be plausible.

    And you’re right about those phasers. They look like barcode readers to me ;) I love Star Trek TNG (even the Season 1 episodes everyone hates), but it’s still true that it has many silly moments.

    • The shows contradict themselves with the money thing all the time. There has to be a medium of exchange. I mean, they fly around negotiating trade agreements all the time. Like I say, I like to think money is privatized. Like it should be.

  5. Does anyone remember the drug episode? That’s one thing I would call “so bad it’s good”. It still works as a smart episode, but it has one scene that feels exactly like an anti-drug PSA, and features the goody two shoes Wesley setting a good example. LOL!.. I loved it.

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